When You Find Yourself Through the Fingerprints of Others

Twenty-one years ago today, I received a bouquet of flowers and a balloon at school from my grandparents who lived 60+ miles away.  I remember wondering how they found a florist who would drive so far for a delivery.  We had moved to Richland Center, WI only a few months before, and that moment when I read the card was the first time I had felt like myself since moving there.

Please understand; the teachers and students were very welcoming and friendly.  In fact Rachel used to tell the story about how she and Jenny Larson argued about who would show me, the new girl, around on her first day.  Unfortunately, I only remember the girls' bathroom from that tour.  This move though was not my family's first, and I think they were just wearing me down.  That day though with the flowers and balloon; it was a turning point for me in Richland Center.

The following weekend I had my first and last birthday party of my childhood.  Yes, I had sleepovers with one or two friends for my birthdays growing up, but this was my only authentic birthday party.  For my 8th birthday, we invited Rachel James, Kelly Keene, Jenny Larson, Nicole Krug, Danielle Stussy, Marci Hill and Maria King to my house for games and cake.  I wonder if there is a picture of all of us somewhere.  I remember at one point crying in our fort because I thought people were having more fun with my aunt Pati than with me.  She did make a cool cake and rocked at tetherball.  I remember thinking though that the crying really made it my party.  "It's My Party" by Lesley Gore seemed to be influencing my understanding of a successful part.

Something about that birthday - the bouquet from my grandparents, my mom and aunt throwing me a party, the friends I had only known a few weeks coming to celebrate with me - has influenced how people permanently affect my heart and personality.  I wonder if people realize the emotional impact the connections we had have had on me.  I feel as though my heart and soul are much like the Hollywood Walk of Fame on Hollywood Blvd and Vine St; each person whom I've had a relationship with has left their mark - their fingerprints perhaps - on whom I am.

If you're reading this and have been a part of my life, I want you to know that I would not be who I am today if it weren't for you.  Thank you for touching my life.

*Note: If you were at my 8th birthday party and I didn't list you, please forgive me.  I'm getting old.*

Giving it to God...at the Airport

I'll try to keep this concise...

Today a good friend of mine was traveling and sent me a text message in response to me wishing her safe travels. As with any international flight, there was a long leg of the trip she expressed grief over. It made me think back to when I was in college.

Soon after my sophomore year of college began, my family relocated from 4 hours driving away to 4 hours flying away. Needless to say I began a stretch of time where I was traveling fairly regularly to visit on breaks. It was during that part of my life standing in O'Hare Airport often with two flights and a layover ahead of me (2 flights are cheaper than 1 ironically), that I learned to give things up to God.

Some would argue I was giving up to which ever airline I was flying that day, but in hindsight I think I was giving up to God. I realized talking to the ticket agents and flight attendants that these men and women completely determined if I was going to get where I wanted when I wanted. The harder I fought, the less likely things were going to improve. I also realized, simply by watching other disgruntled travelers, that yelling, pouting, screaming and threatening the airline employees would not make the delays shorter, the flights quicker or the weather more clear. It got to the point where I would prepare for the whole day to be consumed with travel, sometimes more than one day.

My goal was to get to my destination. And, that was as complex as it got - I removed time and comfort from the equation. I paid a significant amount of money to a company to get me from Point A to Point B, and with that exchange of money I transferred all control and responsibility. I was to simply show up and do my best to not become emotionally involved in the process.

Looking back I think I was learning to give things up to God. I give God my life and try not to get too emotionally involved in the process, and God gets me from Point A to Point B on God's schedule on God's route with and without weather delays.

How does your travel habits reflect your relationship with God?

Hancock and my hometown

Note: if you have not seen Hancock and intend to, there may be content that could be considered spoiler material. I wouldn't continue reading.

Tonight I watched Hancock for the first time. With unique timing I received an email regarding my high school reunion being this year. Reflecting back on the movie and my relationship (we'll call it that for simplicity's sake) with my hometown, I found some intriguing parallels.

In the movie John and Mary are drawn to each other. She says something along the lines of: it doesn't matter where or how far she goes, he always finds her. There is always something bringing them back...and it's cosmic therefore unbreakable. Yet, when they're together, emotionally and physically, they become weak. They get hurt by each other and hurt by others. Essentially they are each other's worst enemies.

I think that's me and my hometown. I can't get away. I have family there. I have emotional ties to that community and the people within it. Yet, when I get close, emotionally or physically, I get hurt. All I want to do is wash my hands of it. And, I do all I can to not completely cut myself off. On the other hand, if I don't get hurt, it's usually because I'm not letting myself. I build myself up to someone I'm not, so I can look down my nose at those who have hurt me so bad in my life.

I don't think I'll go to my high school reunion. I might; I have a tendency to randomly change my mind. But, like John and Mary, perhaps life is better from a distance. Less people get hurt, and I don't wake up ashamed of myself.

Just Stop Talking...Gone

As you may or may not know about me, I'm not good at keeping in touch with people. I tend to get caught up in my day-to-day life. More often than not, people call me not I calling them. I think in addition to being wrapped up in myself - which I know is not a good quality - I hesitate at calling people out of fear of interrupting their life. Maybe fear is too strong of a word, but the people I reach out to most often are those whom I know their schedule or I can text confirmation that now is a good time to talk first.

That being said; there is a disconnect in this world - possibly but hopefully not just with me - where people just stop calling/writing/dropping by. I can think of three people instantaneously that have drifted away without notice or reason. Of those three people I know one made the last call to me. I didn't return it for whatever reason. He never called back. Now I don't think I even know his number. He was a colleague from a job who shared an office with me. It wasn't like we dated or were best friends, but he was a friend.

The other two that I'm referencing today puzzle me a bit more. One was a best friend and the other I did date. One week we're talking and/or hanging out and the next week nothing. This nothingness has continued for months. It's to a point that I'm assuming unless we cordially cross paths on a random street later in life the relationship is over. (Please note: I am not denying my role in any relationship, but confused in general on this concept.) Why would you end any relationship with just not talking again?

Has this process been used on anyone else? Have you called once, twice or so many times it's awkward just to give up assuming they'll call when they have a chance only to never hear from them again?

In today's day and age, how can you lose track of anyone? How can it be impossible to keep in touch, especially if that individual is reaching out initially to you?!? What with telephones at home, work and your pocket and computers also at home, work and everywhere else; I'm sure everyone has at least one number to be reached at and/or an email address. And heaven help us if those don't work; last time I checked we still had a US Postal Service which delivers HAND-WRITTEN mail to peoples' homes.

I again admit that I am the epitome of awful at keeping in touch, but I'm saddened by the relationships that have washed away with time and lack of communication and nothing more. It's hard enough to lose people to fights, death, change and every other reason that severs relationships, but to lose more simply because you never talk again leaves a person a little empty and questioning what happened.

Am I the only one to lose friends, colleagues, associates and such to nothingness, or have you to? Any thoughts to this phenomenon?

Great America with the kids

The second full day that everyone was here we decided to do something Chicago but also action-packed. That goal lead Ty, Christine, Sami and I to Six Flags, Great America just north of Chicago.

The group needed to sleep in of course, but once we were all showered, fed, lunches packed and backpack packed full of the essentials, we piled into the Neon and headed north. Needless to say I didn't check traffic or construction, so a 45 minute drive took closer to an hour and a half. Don't worry though, the team was in good spirits and didn't whimper too much.

Once there we piled out and skipped the ticket lines. We had been smart enough to but the tickets online (buy 3 get 1 free!). First things first...I got the kiddies smiling at the viewing pool. With four people and a whole amusement park, it can be difficult at times to do what everyone wants. Again everyone was a team player though. We headed for the two-story carousel per Sami's request and followed it up with Superman. Wow! Those are two very different paced rides. I think the line was the worst at Superman. Sami wasn't too sure once strapped in and the seats folded back so we were in flying positions (staring at the ground). There was a bit of concern heading up the starting hill. The ride ended with her saying, "I was so scared I was crying, but I laughed too because it was so much fun!"

Sami was a trooper. We mixed the thrill rides with the more carnival rides. Christine and Ty even allowed for a few log rides. Despite the fact that we packed a lunch, we still splurged on ice cream, churros, pretzals, and cotton candy. Yum!

Everyone had a blast riding the variety of rides. Each of us is a full-blooded adrenaline junkie now, including Sam. Here are a few shots of the day...

What is your favorite amusement park and your favorite ride there?

What have I been doing?

Well, if you're wondering why I haven't posted in a while, it's not because I've disappeared on another blogging hiatus. My sister, Sami, flew in from Colorado two Tuesdays ago. We were hanging out with her quite a bit. Then, on the next Sunday, my sister, Christine and her boyfriend, Ty, came down to chill with us as well. So, for close to two weeks we've had house guests. And considering two of them were my sisters and I live with another sister, you can only imagine the chaos and enjoyment for all, including Ty and Susan - the non-blood members of the crazy Jackson Club.

My intentions are to post photos and blurbs about what we did for the last week or so to keep them entertained. This will not include the massive amounts of videos, Gilmore Girl episodes on DVD, or video game playing - just the fun stuff out of the house.

I have pulled all of the photos from my N95 already and organized them to a point. Now I need to decide if I'm going to edit any of them before uploading them to my web album. What do you think? Should I post them raw or pretty?

We'll see.

Prayers for Nevin

Please add Nevin to your prayers tonight. He is a young man who works with my sister in an ice cream shop. He was severely injured while at work and lost the majority of his arm. Please pray for him and his family. Also the store is family-owned, and they could use the prayers as well. Finally, the majority of the staff is young college and high school students who are now coping with this traumatic experience. I'm sure they could use the prayers as well. Thank you to all for your support and prayers. God bless.

Vacation Drinking

You know vacation is starting off right if Mom is ordering an extra shot to add to her margarita. Go Mom! :-) Dad and I just had beer.

Growing Family

Oh my, the family has grown by one more! She's half Chihuahua and half Boston Terrier. We're not 100% on a name yet, but I'll be sure to post it when we do. Oh, and Kodiak is enjoying switching roles between big brother and boyfriend. :-)

Podcast Possibility

First and foremost, I doubt I will have anything to say any time soon worthy of a "subscription" to my podcasts (a more accurate term may be random audio files). But, I do love traffic. Right now I'm celebrating my 1 email feed subscriber. So, if you're interested in subscribing, don't let my negativity on my creativity stop you!

Second of all this isn't really a podcast so much as a test posting of an audio file. It's my lil' sister singing "Blue Moon" one day into my voicemail to cheer me up. It worked. Did it help you at all? It just cracks me up when I hear it. She tries so hard to sing low.

Finally, if you listen to the sound file, please let me know if it works, what program plays it, and if there were any hiccups. This being a test is going to require results of some sort, and I'd love to have someone try it somewhere other than the computer I'm posting it from.

Oh, one more thing, if you know how to embed audio files into Blogger with audio controls right there in the post and setting it up won't give me too large of a headache, please let me know. I spent a day researching this, and this is the best solution I was able to find in regards to simplicity, third-party hosts, etc. Thanks!

Mini-Vacations to the P's House

This is my parents house where I'm spending the weekend. I just can't seem to get enough of my sisters Sami, Christine, and Bella! Hence why I come up here whenever I get the chance. I'm also a sucker for 3 or 4 day weekends. They're like mini-vacations. While it does cost me the gas to get here, the majority of my meals are covered, I rarely have to decide what to do, and sometimes my mom throws my dirty clothes in with their laundry. How can you beat that? It's just too bad it's only every couple of months. The crazy thing is considering how much Sami changes between each visit as she grows up, you can only imagine Bella. That girl's face changes between visits. I'm grateful for how close they all live, especially when compared to Reno, Nevada where they used to live. But, I would love it if we lived closer. I'd be happy to help haul Sami to a swimming lesson or catch one of Christine's band concerts. Oh well, I guess I'll just be depending on email, phone calls and mini-v!
acations.

Saturday Shopping

Here are the girls on our way to Birch Run for some outlet mall shopping. You know people just love being in a car for 45 driving through construction. Can you tell?

Addiction

Addiction...do you ever realized it until you're up to your eyeballs in it? It's all about the hindsight, baby!

Well, my family has an addiction. I've talked about my love before, but until recently I didn't realize how deep it runs.

My family is addicted to coffee. There are a number of things pointing to addiction when talking about my family and coffee. First, my sister works at Starbucks. That may not seem like a big one until you see the amount of coffee she consumes there and brings home in brewed or still beaned state. Next, my family came down to help my roommates and I move. Remember, my family consists of me-25, my parents-adults, and my sisters-21,16,10, and infant. Yes, three are under the age of 18. Yet, two mornings in a row we went to Starbucks for breakfast. Yes, my parents, roommates, and sisters all piled into Starbucks for coffee and overpriced muffins and such. Finally, when I was home a couple weekends ago there were five unaccounted for coffee cups floating around the kitchen in the afternoon. The pot was brewing another. There were four coffee drinkers and five cups out. Maybe we should have been drinking juice or milk by that point instead of brewing a third or fourth pot for the day. And who was double-fisting it?

Well, the first step is admittance. I admit it. They should too. But, I like it. I like coffee and caffiene and lattes and addiction to it all! Don't touch my coffee!!! :)

No news is ? news...

I have absolutely nothing interesting to say on here. See some of you may already know, but at one time this blog was used against me in a family spat. Now my online diary - also known as a blog in this century - is under constant scrutiny and censorship. I rarely write what I'm thinking or feeling. I rarely write.

Some day that will change. Some day soon I will start writing on a more consistent basis. I will not edit what I write depending on who will read it or how they will present it to others. I will write my thoughts and feelings as they flow out of my fingertips.

This is simply a caution sign. If you're afraid you might be offended by me, don't come here. If you plan to print my postings for others to read, know this...I don't care.

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If you are completely confused by what you just read, this posting was not directed at you. I invite you back another time to read my thoughts or feelings for the day. You can also input your email address there on the left side of the page and get notified when I post something new. Go ahead; I don't write enough to take up too much room in your inbox. :)

Moving, moving, moved....

Wow, am I spent! We just relocated to another part of town. The P's came down last weekend and snapped the whip. Everything was hauled from one place to another. Now we have boxes upon boxes stacked up everywhere.

Today I was just at the old place painting a couple rooms back to white. What is the obsession with white anyways? The blue and green were pretty. And, last time I checked people could paint it a different color if they wanted. Oh well, now I'm heading back to patch a few holes where there used to be pretty pictures hanging and probably shampoo the carpet in the livingroom. You'd never guess by the color of the carpet that we "lived" in that room! (Feel free to sense the sarcasm)

So, without further ado, I'm going to head over for one last night of cleaning and tidying. That landlord better appreciate the cleanliness of that place. The new place sure isn't looking as good right now.

I am taking volunteers. We have a lovely couch just waiting to have you sleep on it. Just commit to me that you'll unpack boxes for 6-8 hours before collapsing on it! :)

Oh well...I'll post pics soon! :)

Labels

Everywhere you go you hear people talking about labels. In the office there is training on not labeling people through stereotypes. Don't make jokes about ethnicity or race. When you go to the bars your friends tell you don't judge the person on their looks, all the good looking ones may not be as good looking in the morning. Or, when you're shopping, just because the guy looks better than you doesn't mean he's gay, maybe he's metro.

No matter what their are assumptions. If they're one religion, they must think this. If they're wearing that, they must be this. If this, than that! And, truth be told that isn't always true.

But still we fight that battle.

All labels and stereotypes stem from narrow-mindedness and even ignorance. At least all of the labels I've dealt with in my life. I had a REALLY bad haircut in high school. At the time it seemed practical and nobody close to me said otherwise. Needless to say in a short amount of time I was labeled a dyke. Ah, the joys of adolescence.

Since then, I've lost that one; but due to the quirks of a small town, I'll never lose others. And for that, I'll probably always avoid situations that force me to be seen with them. I struggle at even entering the Wal-Mart in my home town because I want to be me.

I will never shake:
-"Mike's daughter"
-"LeRoy's granddaughter"
-"Spaz" from high school
- or the other numerous pronouns used instead of Elizabeth when spotted in western Wisconsin.

I love where I grew up. And, I understand the trials that everyone must face with hometowns, families, race, religion, high school, sexuality, etc, etc, etc. But, I look for opportunities to further define myself. I love walking through that hometown Wal-Mart; when someone recognizes me (which rarely happens with the hair makeover) and asks, I tell them about the life I've made for myself in the Chicagoland.

What labels have you been given, and what do you do about them? Personally, I like avoidance, but not with out correcting them when the opportunity presents itself.

Blink of an eye...

You spend every day, all day working towards goals - short and long. Maybe it's just about the monthly bills that day. Maybe it's about the dream home you want to own years from now. No matter what it always seems to be something different than that moment. Even when you can pause your life and recognize the moment, do you see all of it or just what is in front of you?

In a blink of an eye...

you can feel so much frustration and anger that you lash out at someone you love

you can feel so much sorrow that you focus on tomorrow ignoring today's pain

you can create a new life

you can cut someone out of your life refusing to seize control of your emotions

you heal wounds years deep just by apologizing

you can have your life handicapped when your transportation disappears

you can love and hate, end and create...

all in the blink of an eye.

Someone very close to me summed up how I've been living my life all in one cliche; unfortunately, I can't think of anyone close to me living any differently. As he said, "We all can't see the forest through the trees."

What do you do when you see the forest?

Bit by bit I'm working on it. Bit by bit I choose what is worth the struggle now and what just needs time. Bit by bit I look back recognizing my mistakes, faults, and things that I never had control of. The plan is to learn to see the forest more often...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.