Why don't I post on here more often? Will having more time this summer move me to post on here? Does anyone read this blog? (Well, it does post of FB which may increase readership) And, does it matter if anyone reads it?
This is my wussy post. My goal is to post every day for a week. Let's see if I can keep this brain in gear for writing and get interesting stuff down on the screen. Maybe I'll even post again today. :)
This past Christmas break I took a class called Spiritual Leadership. It was amazing. We met for maybe 6 hours a day for Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, and on Wednesday and Friday for only 4 hours. It was fairly intense, and we covered a lot of material. Interestingly enough, we addressed a lot of spiritual exercises for ourselves to help us be better spiritual leaders.
One of the ideas we addressed was our attachment to outcomes. We discussed how we become emotionally attached to specific outcomes, the stress related to it, how our communities (i.e. family, friends, co-workers, fellow parishioners, etc) are affected by it and so forth. I realized in the self-reflection how much this applied to me. I have been taught to be goal oriented. It wasn't uncommon to be encouraged to "visualize your success" in sports (i.e. making the free throw) and every other aspect of life. Seeing the end result would help you accomplish the steps in between.
Now, I find myself encouraging others not to grow attached to the outcome. Perhaps we will learn and experience more on the journey. Perhaps we were never meant to succeed on that path. It has happened countless times while on one course, I discover another along the way that better suits me for that time and place.
Please don't assume that it's an easy mindset to have. Even looking back, I realize new paths that were better (in my 20/20 hindsight) still can stir up emotions of anger, frustration or sadness. But, I have to acknowledge that I wouldn't be where I am if I hadn't taken a new path. Often the toughest changes are ones invoked by someone other than myself like when I didn't get a job or promotion I wanted.
What I'm struggling with now isn't the examining of choices and decisions of my past but those of my future. I know I want certain things, but I'm not alone. I'm not the only factor. God has a plan. And, humans have the gift of free will. Just because I want something doesn't mean I'll get it, or get it the way I want it. It is a tough pill to swallow when you tell yourself, "don't get attached to the outcome."
Could you do it? Admit lack of control and find acceptance in it?
What seems like a long time ago, I had an awful nickname. While that nickname was only with me for a few years, the way it made me feel summarized my whole childhood in one full swoop. I felt as though I never belonged any where because we moved so often. Even when we didn't move often, the long stays were in small towns that I would never be a 'native.' Unfortunately for those who did accept me for who I was, I always had that underlying nagging of the not belonging.
When I graduated high school I had an opportunity. I was going to a new school in a new state. No one can be "from" the college, so all students are at the same starting block. No one knew my nickname. No one knew my history. I had a clean slate handed to me at a school that didn't have any other students from my hometown. After one year of school my parents moved again. With that I did something I will never fully recover from.
I walked away from my hometown.
Almost a decade later I've begun the process of reestablishing contact with those who meant the most to me in middle and high school. I'm realizing that getting completely wrapped up in the bubble called college I neglected some relationships that didn't deserve to be ignored. I didn't fight with these friends. I didn't even say good bye. I just stopped communicating with all of them. I didn't visit because my parents and sisters were across the country. I just disappeared, and I didn't mind until now.
I hope to keep pursuing these old friends and the friendships we once had. I hope that a hello here and there will instigate further conversations. Maybe we can catch up. Maybe a new relationship will flourish between to the new people we are today. I'm not confident, but I am persistant. I'm also sorry. I wonder if those who meant the most realize that. And, I hope someday they give me a chance to tell them face to face.
Have you neglected a relationship beyond repair? Did you ever work to fix it? Did who you were in the past buy you a second chance today or ruin it?
A few weeks ago I was catching up with some friends. We were discussing our latest endeavors. My good friend -- well best friend but when I say it like that I feel like I'm on the playground making declarations, -- Susan, was telling everyone about how she's going to go back to school for library science. Yes, that means when she grows up she wants to be a librarian. She says it's because of her love and appreciation for books and knowledge. I think it has something to do with telling kids to be quiet and stop running. We're off topic. When a couple of people snickered at her aspirations, she deflected by telling them to ask me my plans. Well, my plans are to move to Denver, Colorado this fall. I'm going to go to school at Iliff School of Theology for a Masters of Divinity. Ultimately, I want to become an ordained minister in the United Methodist Church. One of our friends turned to me with what can only be described as horror in her eyes and said, "tell me you're kidding."
I'm not.
I have a lot of beliefs, morals and value structures. Most I'm sure I share with many other people. Some, I'm just as confident don't line up with as many people. At the end of the day though, I've always been this person. I'd like to expand more on my beliefs, morals and value structures in my other blog. Maybe sometimes they'll overflow here. But, that's not what this blog is for. On the other hand, I want each and every person I've ever known to know that I'm not leaving who I am for another person.
I know there are a lot of people out there with different religious views from me. I know that denominations aside, there are agnostics and atheists out there. I'm friends with a number of them. I'm not going to the dark side by becoming a minister. I'm not becoming closed-minded and an elitist by becoming a minister. I'm following what I believe to be a calling. As Martin Luther King Jr said, "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." My next step is school. I think ordainment will follow, but I'm open to other options as well.
In the end I want to assure people that I will still be me. If nothing else I hope to gain a stronger faith as my knowledge of the bible and religion increases. Perhaps some day we can talk about religion. Perhaps we never will. I'm okay with whatever you're most comfortable. If you have questions or concerns about this endeavor, talk to me about it. I'm cool with apprehension; trust me, I'm full of it all the time.
No matter what, I'm not kidding.
