Don't Be Fooled, History Will Repeat Itself

Have you ever considered what words you say that have already been said?  Or, maybe you wonder as you go through some action, if someone before has done the same thing.  If you look at the history of humankind we have a tendency to repeat our mistakes over and over again.  I to have made mistakes over and over again struggling to learn the lesson I'm meant to learn.

For example in the fourth grade on the third day of the school year, my friends and I were enjoying a pleasant lunch.  It was a Friday, so those of us required by our cruel and unusual parents to eat school lunches had the joy of at least drinking chocolate milk instead of the white milk served Monday through Thursday.  As I was sipping this refreshing chocolate milk, Rachel James said something hilarious.  Now, I wish I knew now what it was, but considering it was the fourth grade, I'm not sure I'd still find it funny.  Anyways, she was funny.  We all broke into laughter.  And, because I had not timed my chocolate milk consumption with the delivery of her punch line, as I laughed chocolate milk came out my nose.  For those of you who have not had this experience, let me spare you.  Chocolate milk burns the nose.

So, fast forward almost 20 years, and I have been fortunate to avoid this combination of humor and poorly timed nourishment.  That is until tonight.  Tonight as I ate a chicken sandwich with hot sauce and ranch on it, Susan just had to be funny.  She's usually just funny looking while I eat, which I can maintain my composure while I eat (I've practiced over the years).  But, tonight she timed her funny looks with her witty comments at the same time as my dinner munching.  Next thing I know, a tiny piece of chicken with hot sauce came out my nose.

Now, I know this story will not win me my future husband.  But, I'm hoping to protect those innocents still left out there.  There is no need to test this at home.  Chocolate milk and chicken with hot sauce both burn equally when passing through the nasal canal.  Oh, I don't remember what Susan said either.  However, both of these ladies are quite hilarious.  Final lesson, history will repeat itself even when least expected.

When You Find Yourself Through the Fingerprints of Others

Twenty-one years ago today, I received a bouquet of flowers and a balloon at school from my grandparents who lived 60+ miles away.  I remember wondering how they found a florist who would drive so far for a delivery.  We had moved to Richland Center, WI only a few months before, and that moment when I read the card was the first time I had felt like myself since moving there.

Please understand; the teachers and students were very welcoming and friendly.  In fact Rachel used to tell the story about how she and Jenny Larson argued about who would show me, the new girl, around on her first day.  Unfortunately, I only remember the girls' bathroom from that tour.  This move though was not my family's first, and I think they were just wearing me down.  That day though with the flowers and balloon; it was a turning point for me in Richland Center.

The following weekend I had my first and last birthday party of my childhood.  Yes, I had sleepovers with one or two friends for my birthdays growing up, but this was my only authentic birthday party.  For my 8th birthday, we invited Rachel James, Kelly Keene, Jenny Larson, Nicole Krug, Danielle Stussy, Marci Hill and Maria King to my house for games and cake.  I wonder if there is a picture of all of us somewhere.  I remember at one point crying in our fort because I thought people were having more fun with my aunt Pati than with me.  She did make a cool cake and rocked at tetherball.  I remember thinking though that the crying really made it my party.  "It's My Party" by Lesley Gore seemed to be influencing my understanding of a successful part.

Something about that birthday - the bouquet from my grandparents, my mom and aunt throwing me a party, the friends I had only known a few weeks coming to celebrate with me - has influenced how people permanently affect my heart and personality.  I wonder if people realize the emotional impact the connections we had have had on me.  I feel as though my heart and soul are much like the Hollywood Walk of Fame on Hollywood Blvd and Vine St; each person whom I've had a relationship with has left their mark - their fingerprints perhaps - on whom I am.

If you're reading this and have been a part of my life, I want you to know that I would not be who I am today if it weren't for you.  Thank you for touching my life.

*Note: If you were at my 8th birthday party and I didn't list you, please forgive me.  I'm getting old.*

Giving it to God...at the Airport

I'll try to keep this concise...

Today a good friend of mine was traveling and sent me a text message in response to me wishing her safe travels. As with any international flight, there was a long leg of the trip she expressed grief over. It made me think back to when I was in college.

Soon after my sophomore year of college began, my family relocated from 4 hours driving away to 4 hours flying away. Needless to say I began a stretch of time where I was traveling fairly regularly to visit on breaks. It was during that part of my life standing in O'Hare Airport often with two flights and a layover ahead of me (2 flights are cheaper than 1 ironically), that I learned to give things up to God.

Some would argue I was giving up to which ever airline I was flying that day, but in hindsight I think I was giving up to God. I realized talking to the ticket agents and flight attendants that these men and women completely determined if I was going to get where I wanted when I wanted. The harder I fought, the less likely things were going to improve. I also realized, simply by watching other disgruntled travelers, that yelling, pouting, screaming and threatening the airline employees would not make the delays shorter, the flights quicker or the weather more clear. It got to the point where I would prepare for the whole day to be consumed with travel, sometimes more than one day.

My goal was to get to my destination. And, that was as complex as it got - I removed time and comfort from the equation. I paid a significant amount of money to a company to get me from Point A to Point B, and with that exchange of money I transferred all control and responsibility. I was to simply show up and do my best to not become emotionally involved in the process.

Looking back I think I was learning to give things up to God. I give God my life and try not to get too emotionally involved in the process, and God gets me from Point A to Point B on God's schedule on God's route with and without weather delays.

How does your travel habits reflect your relationship with God?

Decades ago

I've been thinking about this blog post for a while now. It's just taken me a bit to get around to actually writing. Now, I have homework to do, but I think I'll pound this out. As it is, I really don't blog as often as I'd like.

So, I've been thinking about 10 years ago. And, when one does that, they begin to think about 20 years ago. I am currently in a place - time, space, location, relationships, etc - that makes me happy. I am content and pleased with where I'm at. When I really think about it though, I realize that 10 years ago I didn't think life could get any better.

10 years ago I had just recently completed an incredible trip to New York City. I saw Les Miserables on Broadway, Ellis Island, Mahanttan from the top of the Statue of Liberty (including the WTC), Strawberry Fields in Central Park, FAO Swartz (and I did play on the giant piano), Lincoln Center, Madison Square Gardens, Teresa Witherspoon (yes, I got a pic with her) and so much more. I also just celebrated my 18th birthday 10 years ago. Is there a bigger birthday than 18? Really now, I was finally an "adult"...as if I had any idea what that meant. And, quickly approaching was my graduation from high school. I truly believed that 1999 would be the best year of my life.

20 years ago I was sitting in a new town and new school. Now, I had been there for a few months. The whole experience though was surreal. I had my first, and last group, birthday party. I had balloons and flowers (from my grandparents) sent to school on my birthday for the first time. I also was getting invited to birthday parties and went to my first slumber party.

Looking back I just wonder. It's crazy to realize how much time has passed from April 1989 and April 1999. I'm connecting with people for the first time in decades online through services like Facebook. I'm remembering people whom were developing great relationships and friendships with me. I find it still very surreal.

I know I'm not old. And, I know I'm not alone. I just find it interesting how pinnacle those years were. It makes me wonder what's in store this year. It makes me wonder the next time I'll think "life doesn't get better than this" or "will life ever get better than this." How will I remember your influence on my life in 10 years?

Hancock and my hometown

Note: if you have not seen Hancock and intend to, there may be content that could be considered spoiler material. I wouldn't continue reading.

Tonight I watched Hancock for the first time. With unique timing I received an email regarding my high school reunion being this year. Reflecting back on the movie and my relationship (we'll call it that for simplicity's sake) with my hometown, I found some intriguing parallels.

In the movie John and Mary are drawn to each other. She says something along the lines of: it doesn't matter where or how far she goes, he always finds her. There is always something bringing them back...and it's cosmic therefore unbreakable. Yet, when they're together, emotionally and physically, they become weak. They get hurt by each other and hurt by others. Essentially they are each other's worst enemies.

I think that's me and my hometown. I can't get away. I have family there. I have emotional ties to that community and the people within it. Yet, when I get close, emotionally or physically, I get hurt. All I want to do is wash my hands of it. And, I do all I can to not completely cut myself off. On the other hand, if I don't get hurt, it's usually because I'm not letting myself. I build myself up to someone I'm not, so I can look down my nose at those who have hurt me so bad in my life.

I don't think I'll go to my high school reunion. I might; I have a tendency to randomly change my mind. But, like John and Mary, perhaps life is better from a distance. Less people get hurt, and I don't wake up ashamed of myself.

Don't Get Attached

This past Christmas break I took a class called Spiritual Leadership. It was amazing. We met for maybe 6 hours a day for Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, and on Wednesday and Friday for only 4 hours. It was fairly intense, and we covered a lot of material. Interestingly enough, we addressed a lot of spiritual exercises for ourselves to help us be better spiritual leaders.

One of the ideas we addressed was our attachment to outcomes. We discussed how we become emotionally attached to specific outcomes, the stress related to it, how our communities (i.e. family, friends, co-workers, fellow parishioners, etc) are affected by it and so forth. I realized in the self-reflection how much this applied to me. I have been taught to be goal oriented. It wasn't uncommon to be encouraged to "visualize your success" in sports (i.e. making the free throw) and every other aspect of life. Seeing the end result would help you accomplish the steps in between.

Now, I find myself encouraging others not to grow attached to the outcome. Perhaps we will learn and experience more on the journey. Perhaps we were never meant to succeed on that path. It has happened countless times while on one course, I discover another along the way that better suits me for that time and place.

Please don't assume that it's an easy mindset to have. Even looking back, I realize new paths that were better (in my 20/20 hindsight) still can stir up emotions of anger, frustration or sadness. But, I have to acknowledge that I wouldn't be where I am if I hadn't taken a new path. Often the toughest changes are ones invoked by someone other than myself like when I didn't get a job or promotion I wanted.

What I'm struggling with now isn't the examining of choices and decisions of my past but those of my future. I know I want certain things, but I'm not alone. I'm not the only factor. God has a plan. And, humans have the gift of free will. Just because I want something doesn't mean I'll get it, or get it the way I want it. It is a tough pill to swallow when you tell yourself, "don't get attached to the outcome."

Could you do it? Admit lack of control and find acceptance in it?

Part of my About Me

What seems like a long time ago, I had an awful nickname. While that nickname was only with me for a few years, the way it made me feel summarized my whole childhood in one full swoop. I felt as though I never belonged any where because we moved so often. Even when we didn't move often, the long stays were in small towns that I would never be a 'native.' Unfortunately for those who did accept me for who I was, I always had that underlying nagging of the not belonging.

When I graduated high school I had an opportunity. I was going to a new school in a new state. No one can be "from" the college, so all students are at the same starting block. No one knew my nickname. No one knew my history. I had a clean slate handed to me at a school that didn't have any other students from my hometown. After one year of school my parents moved again. With that I did something I will never fully recover from.

I walked away from my hometown.

Almost a decade later I've begun the process of reestablishing contact with those who meant the most to me in middle and high school. I'm realizing that getting completely wrapped up in the bubble called college I neglected some relationships that didn't deserve to be ignored. I didn't fight with these friends. I didn't even say good bye. I just stopped communicating with all of them. I didn't visit because my parents and sisters were across the country. I just disappeared, and I didn't mind until now.

I hope to keep pursuing these old friends and the friendships we once had. I hope that a hello here and there will instigate further conversations. Maybe we can catch up. Maybe a new relationship will flourish between to the new people we are today. I'm not confident, but I am persistant. I'm also sorry. I wonder if those who meant the most realize that. And, I hope someday they give me a chance to tell them face to face.

Have you neglected a relationship beyond repair? Did you ever work to fix it? Did who you were in the past buy you a second chance today or ruin it?

Just Stop Talking...Gone

As you may or may not know about me, I'm not good at keeping in touch with people. I tend to get caught up in my day-to-day life. More often than not, people call me not I calling them. I think in addition to being wrapped up in myself - which I know is not a good quality - I hesitate at calling people out of fear of interrupting their life. Maybe fear is too strong of a word, but the people I reach out to most often are those whom I know their schedule or I can text confirmation that now is a good time to talk first.

That being said; there is a disconnect in this world - possibly but hopefully not just with me - where people just stop calling/writing/dropping by. I can think of three people instantaneously that have drifted away without notice or reason. Of those three people I know one made the last call to me. I didn't return it for whatever reason. He never called back. Now I don't think I even know his number. He was a colleague from a job who shared an office with me. It wasn't like we dated or were best friends, but he was a friend.

The other two that I'm referencing today puzzle me a bit more. One was a best friend and the other I did date. One week we're talking and/or hanging out and the next week nothing. This nothingness has continued for months. It's to a point that I'm assuming unless we cordially cross paths on a random street later in life the relationship is over. (Please note: I am not denying my role in any relationship, but confused in general on this concept.) Why would you end any relationship with just not talking again?

Has this process been used on anyone else? Have you called once, twice or so many times it's awkward just to give up assuming they'll call when they have a chance only to never hear from them again?

In today's day and age, how can you lose track of anyone? How can it be impossible to keep in touch, especially if that individual is reaching out initially to you?!? What with telephones at home, work and your pocket and computers also at home, work and everywhere else; I'm sure everyone has at least one number to be reached at and/or an email address. And heaven help us if those don't work; last time I checked we still had a US Postal Service which delivers HAND-WRITTEN mail to peoples' homes.

I again admit that I am the epitome of awful at keeping in touch, but I'm saddened by the relationships that have washed away with time and lack of communication and nothing more. It's hard enough to lose people to fights, death, change and every other reason that severs relationships, but to lose more simply because you never talk again leaves a person a little empty and questioning what happened.

Am I the only one to lose friends, colleagues, associates and such to nothingness, or have you to? Any thoughts to this phenomenon?

Great America with the kids

The second full day that everyone was here we decided to do something Chicago but also action-packed. That goal lead Ty, Christine, Sami and I to Six Flags, Great America just north of Chicago.

The group needed to sleep in of course, but once we were all showered, fed, lunches packed and backpack packed full of the essentials, we piled into the Neon and headed north. Needless to say I didn't check traffic or construction, so a 45 minute drive took closer to an hour and a half. Don't worry though, the team was in good spirits and didn't whimper too much.

Once there we piled out and skipped the ticket lines. We had been smart enough to but the tickets online (buy 3 get 1 free!). First things first...I got the kiddies smiling at the viewing pool. With four people and a whole amusement park, it can be difficult at times to do what everyone wants. Again everyone was a team player though. We headed for the two-story carousel per Sami's request and followed it up with Superman. Wow! Those are two very different paced rides. I think the line was the worst at Superman. Sami wasn't too sure once strapped in and the seats folded back so we were in flying positions (staring at the ground). There was a bit of concern heading up the starting hill. The ride ended with her saying, "I was so scared I was crying, but I laughed too because it was so much fun!"

Sami was a trooper. We mixed the thrill rides with the more carnival rides. Christine and Ty even allowed for a few log rides. Despite the fact that we packed a lunch, we still splurged on ice cream, churros, pretzals, and cotton candy. Yum!

Everyone had a blast riding the variety of rides. Each of us is a full-blooded adrenaline junkie now, including Sam. Here are a few shots of the day...

What is your favorite amusement park and your favorite ride there?

What have I been doing?

Well, if you're wondering why I haven't posted in a while, it's not because I've disappeared on another blogging hiatus. My sister, Sami, flew in from Colorado two Tuesdays ago. We were hanging out with her quite a bit. Then, on the next Sunday, my sister, Christine and her boyfriend, Ty, came down to chill with us as well. So, for close to two weeks we've had house guests. And considering two of them were my sisters and I live with another sister, you can only imagine the chaos and enjoyment for all, including Ty and Susan - the non-blood members of the crazy Jackson Club.

My intentions are to post photos and blurbs about what we did for the last week or so to keep them entertained. This will not include the massive amounts of videos, Gilmore Girl episodes on DVD, or video game playing - just the fun stuff out of the house.

I have pulled all of the photos from my N95 already and organized them to a point. Now I need to decide if I'm going to edit any of them before uploading them to my web album. What do you think? Should I post them raw or pretty?

We'll see.

Happy Birthday James & Christine!

Last Saturday night was spent at our friend Houston's house with her family and friends. Her husband, James, turned 40 this past week and her daughter, Christine, 21. With two major birthdays in one family, you have to throw a bash for that! So, they set the date and time, and we were there. Here are a few pics of the band, Fun With Lips, formally Paradigm Shift with James, Andrew, Jason and Dan. Depo couldn't make it so that's a stand in (I can't remember his name).

It was a blast. Lot's of fun, music and drinking. Quite the successful party! :)

Prayers for Nevin

Please add Nevin to your prayers tonight. He is a young man who works with my sister in an ice cream shop. He was severely injured while at work and lost the majority of his arm. Please pray for him and his family. Also the store is family-owned, and they could use the prayers as well. Finally, the majority of the staff is young college and high school students who are now coping with this traumatic experience. I'm sure they could use the prayers as well. Thank you to all for your support and prayers. God bless.

My New Gas Grill

My new toy. I've had it for a while, but they shorted me a screw. So, that got it put on the backburner until I could get to Home Depot and time to finish it. Well, that time came a night or two ago. Now, I just need to christen it. Hmmm...chicken, brats, steaks...tough decisions ahead. Any suggestions?

Time When People Should Be Left Alone

Susan when she's tired. There's no messing with her once she's decided she's ready for bed. I suppose though that's what I'm like in the morning.

Need to Reintegrate

I'm going to be straight with you. I haven't written for ages. In fact, I think one of my last posts talks about writing more often. We've seen how far that went.

Well, I hope to start getting on here more often. I can't promise writing every day or even every week but more often. As time goes by, I find my self becoming more and more technically inclined. Ironic considering I work in technology, huh?

My ultimate goal is to pepper this back up but with images taken myself, or by Susan, not from online or clip art. Also, I'd like to post more images, sound clips, videos, etc. This should be eased quite a bit once I have my Nokia N73. I'll be able to do all of that while out and about not in front of the computer. Additionally though, I'm always working to tidy and streamline my photos and music files on the home computer.

Long story short, I hope to personalize this with who I am today, not who I was 1 - 2 years ago when this went up the first time. People evolve, and a person's blog should too.