Don't Get Attached

This past Christmas break I took a class called Spiritual Leadership. It was amazing. We met for maybe 6 hours a day for Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, and on Wednesday and Friday for only 4 hours. It was fairly intense, and we covered a lot of material. Interestingly enough, we addressed a lot of spiritual exercises for ourselves to help us be better spiritual leaders.

One of the ideas we addressed was our attachment to outcomes. We discussed how we become emotionally attached to specific outcomes, the stress related to it, how our communities (i.e. family, friends, co-workers, fellow parishioners, etc) are affected by it and so forth. I realized in the self-reflection how much this applied to me. I have been taught to be goal oriented. It wasn't uncommon to be encouraged to "visualize your success" in sports (i.e. making the free throw) and every other aspect of life. Seeing the end result would help you accomplish the steps in between.

Now, I find myself encouraging others not to grow attached to the outcome. Perhaps we will learn and experience more on the journey. Perhaps we were never meant to succeed on that path. It has happened countless times while on one course, I discover another along the way that better suits me for that time and place.

Please don't assume that it's an easy mindset to have. Even looking back, I realize new paths that were better (in my 20/20 hindsight) still can stir up emotions of anger, frustration or sadness. But, I have to acknowledge that I wouldn't be where I am if I hadn't taken a new path. Often the toughest changes are ones invoked by someone other than myself like when I didn't get a job or promotion I wanted.

What I'm struggling with now isn't the examining of choices and decisions of my past but those of my future. I know I want certain things, but I'm not alone. I'm not the only factor. God has a plan. And, humans have the gift of free will. Just because I want something doesn't mean I'll get it, or get it the way I want it. It is a tough pill to swallow when you tell yourself, "don't get attached to the outcome."

Could you do it? Admit lack of control and find acceptance in it?

Growing Up

So, I feel like I'm taking another step towards adulthood. Yes, some would say I've been an adult for a while, but I've mastered the ability to vote, drive, live on my own and still take no responsibility for things. Lately I've made a point to be aware of what I'm eating. I've also started working out. I've been walking/jogging about 2 miles 3-4 times a week. I am coming off the treadmill dripping in sweat. I don't think I've ever pushed myself to the point of sweating before. And, it's been close to a decade since a coach pushed me. For some reason I'm finding my health to be a lil' more of a priority. Perhaps it's the passing of my mid-twenties in the near future? No matter what the reason, I've minimized pizza as a meal option to only 3 times a week. :)

I wonder what else will mature next? Maybe I'll finally develop some study/work skills in the morning hours. We can keep hoping and praying.

Part of my About Me

What seems like a long time ago, I had an awful nickname. While that nickname was only with me for a few years, the way it made me feel summarized my whole childhood in one full swoop. I felt as though I never belonged any where because we moved so often. Even when we didn't move often, the long stays were in small towns that I would never be a 'native.' Unfortunately for those who did accept me for who I was, I always had that underlying nagging of the not belonging.

When I graduated high school I had an opportunity. I was going to a new school in a new state. No one can be "from" the college, so all students are at the same starting block. No one knew my nickname. No one knew my history. I had a clean slate handed to me at a school that didn't have any other students from my hometown. After one year of school my parents moved again. With that I did something I will never fully recover from.

I walked away from my hometown.

Almost a decade later I've begun the process of reestablishing contact with those who meant the most to me in middle and high school. I'm realizing that getting completely wrapped up in the bubble called college I neglected some relationships that didn't deserve to be ignored. I didn't fight with these friends. I didn't even say good bye. I just stopped communicating with all of them. I didn't visit because my parents and sisters were across the country. I just disappeared, and I didn't mind until now.

I hope to keep pursuing these old friends and the friendships we once had. I hope that a hello here and there will instigate further conversations. Maybe we can catch up. Maybe a new relationship will flourish between to the new people we are today. I'm not confident, but I am persistant. I'm also sorry. I wonder if those who meant the most realize that. And, I hope someday they give me a chance to tell them face to face.

Have you neglected a relationship beyond repair? Did you ever work to fix it? Did who you were in the past buy you a second chance today or ruin it?

What an incredible week

Hello, World.

Oh, where to begin. I'm not sure many know this, but I don't do well on my own. I figure it's my parents' fault for having so many kids, throwing me in day care and then, there's the whole public schooling thing. People were always around. Well, this week my sister is up to her usual shenanigans with work and her boyfriend. And, Susan is off on vacation with her family. That leaves me home at night alone with the puppies. This adds up to a minimal level of productivity and too long on the computer wasting time until it's bedtime. It makes for a long week, but I'm coping.

Then, there is the fact that I think we found an apartment out in Denver. I've been working with the Leasing Office this week to get the applications squared away. That's the good news. The bad news is that I'm totally freaking out about how much stuff I have. I think I'm going to have to kick it up on a notch on the sorting and giving to charity.

Finally, the great news. (I've been building up for the excitement. Did you notice?) Long, long ago when email addresses weren't common and 8th Graders were intimidating, my family moved from Richland Center, WI to Sparta, WI (62 whole miles). I was in the 7th grade; we had lived in Richland Center for 5 years. That was the longest I had lived anywhere. Well, I thought the world was ending. Surprisingly, it didn't. I did lose touch though with a lot of good people and friends. A few relationships stretched out over snail mail, but eventually we all drifted apart. This week though, thanks to the glories of the internet and Facebook, I have found a few of those childhood friends. And, I am tickled pink about it! I don't know how hard it is to rekindle friendships from over half a life ago (I still struggle with those just from high school at times), but I'm sure going to try. Today I've just been grinning thinking of these girls and how they impacted who I am today.

It has been a good week. It hasn't been easy, but it has been good. Now, I should do something productive and not on the computer. Anyone up for coming and cleaning a lil' with me?

Just Stop Talking...Gone

As you may or may not know about me, I'm not good at keeping in touch with people. I tend to get caught up in my day-to-day life. More often than not, people call me not I calling them. I think in addition to being wrapped up in myself - which I know is not a good quality - I hesitate at calling people out of fear of interrupting their life. Maybe fear is too strong of a word, but the people I reach out to most often are those whom I know their schedule or I can text confirmation that now is a good time to talk first.

That being said; there is a disconnect in this world - possibly but hopefully not just with me - where people just stop calling/writing/dropping by. I can think of three people instantaneously that have drifted away without notice or reason. Of those three people I know one made the last call to me. I didn't return it for whatever reason. He never called back. Now I don't think I even know his number. He was a colleague from a job who shared an office with me. It wasn't like we dated or were best friends, but he was a friend.

The other two that I'm referencing today puzzle me a bit more. One was a best friend and the other I did date. One week we're talking and/or hanging out and the next week nothing. This nothingness has continued for months. It's to a point that I'm assuming unless we cordially cross paths on a random street later in life the relationship is over. (Please note: I am not denying my role in any relationship, but confused in general on this concept.) Why would you end any relationship with just not talking again?

Has this process been used on anyone else? Have you called once, twice or so many times it's awkward just to give up assuming they'll call when they have a chance only to never hear from them again?

In today's day and age, how can you lose track of anyone? How can it be impossible to keep in touch, especially if that individual is reaching out initially to you?!? What with telephones at home, work and your pocket and computers also at home, work and everywhere else; I'm sure everyone has at least one number to be reached at and/or an email address. And heaven help us if those don't work; last time I checked we still had a US Postal Service which delivers HAND-WRITTEN mail to peoples' homes.

I again admit that I am the epitome of awful at keeping in touch, but I'm saddened by the relationships that have washed away with time and lack of communication and nothing more. It's hard enough to lose people to fights, death, change and every other reason that severs relationships, but to lose more simply because you never talk again leaves a person a little empty and questioning what happened.

Am I the only one to lose friends, colleagues, associates and such to nothingness, or have you to? Any thoughts to this phenomenon?

One More Addition

What I really want is someone to be able to look at my blog, read a few posts and have a glimpse into who I am. For that reason I'm adding one more thing to my sidebars. Now yes, a lot of people have so much stuff in their sidebars you start to lose track of what is about them and what is just an add for something else. Then, you end up not looking at any of it. I don't want that. To be honest if you think my site has gotten to cluttered and "commercial," please let me know.

As I mentioned I'm adding one more bit. You'll soon see a Last.FM widget in my sidebar. What a person listens to in music can be so insightful as to who they are, how they think and how they're feeling. I'm hoping Last.FM does that for my readers.

It'll probably be a few days before you see it up, but please feel free to comment about it. I'm new to their service and everything, so this may take some time. I'd expect a few growing pains as you often see when I mess with the css and html on this page.

Again, let me know what you think.

New Watch

Here's my new watch. This is the curse of working in a mall. While I don't shop everyday, you tend to find out about sales and store closings. You have to make an exception for those. And so, we have Watch Station closing, and I have a new watch. I'm a sucker for Fossil. Now here's the kicker...it was only $20. What do you think? Nice?

Edit: The watch is silver despite how it looks in the photo. The lighting is making it look gold. I'm too young for gold. Or, golds too old for me. Hmmm....

My New Gas Grill

My new toy. I've had it for a while, but they shorted me a screw. So, that got it put on the backburner until I could get to Home Depot and time to finish it. Well, that time came a night or two ago. Now, I just need to christen it. Hmmm...chicken, brats, steaks...tough decisions ahead. Any suggestions?

New Look

Today I messed around with the template and settings. It turns out everything got jacked up because my FileLodge account was discontinued. I know they were acquired by Bolt, but I had initially thought they had the courtesy of carrying over my account and images. I guest not. I never even received a email notice concerning the account.

Oh well, point is the blog has been tidying and redecorated. What do you think? I'm considering building it up with images and fancying it up. Or, do you think I should keep it simple as it is now?

I know this blog doesn't have much readership, if any. But, if you are visiting, let me know your thoughts on how this looks. The comments link is below labeled "Ramblings from you." You're also welcome to subscribe to my blog. Each time I post it'll forward to your email or your news feed, whichever you prefer. (Be sure to use the proper subscriber depending on that preference.)

Anyways...share you thoughts. Come again.

Need to Reintegrate

I'm going to be straight with you. I haven't written for ages. In fact, I think one of my last posts talks about writing more often. We've seen how far that went.

Well, I hope to start getting on here more often. I can't promise writing every day or even every week but more often. As time goes by, I find my self becoming more and more technically inclined. Ironic considering I work in technology, huh?

My ultimate goal is to pepper this back up but with images taken myself, or by Susan, not from online or clip art. Also, I'd like to post more images, sound clips, videos, etc. This should be eased quite a bit once I have my Nokia N73. I'll be able to do all of that while out and about not in front of the computer. Additionally though, I'm always working to tidy and streamline my photos and music files on the home computer.

Long story short, I hope to personalize this with who I am today, not who I was 1 - 2 years ago when this went up the first time. People evolve, and a person's blog should too.

Blink of an eye...

You spend every day, all day working towards goals - short and long. Maybe it's just about the monthly bills that day. Maybe it's about the dream home you want to own years from now. No matter what it always seems to be something different than that moment. Even when you can pause your life and recognize the moment, do you see all of it or just what is in front of you?

In a blink of an eye...

you can feel so much frustration and anger that you lash out at someone you love

you can feel so much sorrow that you focus on tomorrow ignoring today's pain

you can create a new life

you can cut someone out of your life refusing to seize control of your emotions

you heal wounds years deep just by apologizing

you can have your life handicapped when your transportation disappears

you can love and hate, end and create...

all in the blink of an eye.

Someone very close to me summed up how I've been living my life all in one cliche; unfortunately, I can't think of anyone close to me living any differently. As he said, "We all can't see the forest through the trees."

What do you do when you see the forest?

Bit by bit I'm working on it. Bit by bit I choose what is worth the struggle now and what just needs time. Bit by bit I look back recognizing my mistakes, faults, and things that I never had control of. The plan is to learn to see the forest more often...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.