Hancock and my hometown

Note: if you have not seen Hancock and intend to, there may be content that could be considered spoiler material. I wouldn't continue reading.

Tonight I watched Hancock for the first time. With unique timing I received an email regarding my high school reunion being this year. Reflecting back on the movie and my relationship (we'll call it that for simplicity's sake) with my hometown, I found some intriguing parallels.

In the movie John and Mary are drawn to each other. She says something along the lines of: it doesn't matter where or how far she goes, he always finds her. There is always something bringing them back...and it's cosmic therefore unbreakable. Yet, when they're together, emotionally and physically, they become weak. They get hurt by each other and hurt by others. Essentially they are each other's worst enemies.

I think that's me and my hometown. I can't get away. I have family there. I have emotional ties to that community and the people within it. Yet, when I get close, emotionally or physically, I get hurt. All I want to do is wash my hands of it. And, I do all I can to not completely cut myself off. On the other hand, if I don't get hurt, it's usually because I'm not letting myself. I build myself up to someone I'm not, so I can look down my nose at those who have hurt me so bad in my life.

I don't think I'll go to my high school reunion. I might; I have a tendency to randomly change my mind. But, like John and Mary, perhaps life is better from a distance. Less people get hurt, and I don't wake up ashamed of myself.

Don't Get Attached

This past Christmas break I took a class called Spiritual Leadership. It was amazing. We met for maybe 6 hours a day for Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, and on Wednesday and Friday for only 4 hours. It was fairly intense, and we covered a lot of material. Interestingly enough, we addressed a lot of spiritual exercises for ourselves to help us be better spiritual leaders.

One of the ideas we addressed was our attachment to outcomes. We discussed how we become emotionally attached to specific outcomes, the stress related to it, how our communities (i.e. family, friends, co-workers, fellow parishioners, etc) are affected by it and so forth. I realized in the self-reflection how much this applied to me. I have been taught to be goal oriented. It wasn't uncommon to be encouraged to "visualize your success" in sports (i.e. making the free throw) and every other aspect of life. Seeing the end result would help you accomplish the steps in between.

Now, I find myself encouraging others not to grow attached to the outcome. Perhaps we will learn and experience more on the journey. Perhaps we were never meant to succeed on that path. It has happened countless times while on one course, I discover another along the way that better suits me for that time and place.

Please don't assume that it's an easy mindset to have. Even looking back, I realize new paths that were better (in my 20/20 hindsight) still can stir up emotions of anger, frustration or sadness. But, I have to acknowledge that I wouldn't be where I am if I hadn't taken a new path. Often the toughest changes are ones invoked by someone other than myself like when I didn't get a job or promotion I wanted.

What I'm struggling with now isn't the examining of choices and decisions of my past but those of my future. I know I want certain things, but I'm not alone. I'm not the only factor. God has a plan. And, humans have the gift of free will. Just because I want something doesn't mean I'll get it, or get it the way I want it. It is a tough pill to swallow when you tell yourself, "don't get attached to the outcome."

Could you do it? Admit lack of control and find acceptance in it?

Crafty Things

So, today I was asked to create a display for a fund-raiser. I didn't know to tell her I don't really have any crafty skills. Here it is. My display that is easy to put away and yet flashy. I used glitter. :) There's a good chance they sold their first products today all because of this great set up. Can you tell my undergrad degree is in marketing? :)

Anyways, if any of my Iliff buddies want one of these, or two or three, let me know. It's a fundraiser, and I got the hook-up.

Where do you draw the line?

Today I helped break up a fight between two fourth grade boys. Both come from rough situations. We were at an after school program that is there to provide children a safe and consistant place to hang out. It also provides a meal/snacks.

I think what I'm struggling with is that both boys were right even though they both were wrong. One wanted to take extra snacks home for his family. The other was upset that the he was taking extra snacks.

Yes, the language they were using was atrocious. And yes, getting physical won't solve any problems. But, when push comes to shove (no pun intended) how do you decide who was right?

One was hungry and knew his family was too.

One saw food for the kids program going out the door.

Where would you draw the line? What do you say to those two boys probably only 11 or 12 years old? They both had their snacks. They both were thinking of others not themselves. And, it doesn't justify their behavior, but they both have to be upset and angry about their situations. Nobody likes to be hungry or see their family struggle. Where do you tell these kids to direct their anger instead of each other?

So that's where I find myself...struggling with two boys who were both trying to do the right thing the wrong way...and, I'm sure they felt better releasing some of that emotion. I, however, do not.

Growing Up

So, I feel like I'm taking another step towards adulthood. Yes, some would say I've been an adult for a while, but I've mastered the ability to vote, drive, live on my own and still take no responsibility for things. Lately I've made a point to be aware of what I'm eating. I've also started working out. I've been walking/jogging about 2 miles 3-4 times a week. I am coming off the treadmill dripping in sweat. I don't think I've ever pushed myself to the point of sweating before. And, it's been close to a decade since a coach pushed me. For some reason I'm finding my health to be a lil' more of a priority. Perhaps it's the passing of my mid-twenties in the near future? No matter what the reason, I've minimized pizza as a meal option to only 3 times a week. :)

I wonder what else will mature next? Maybe I'll finally develop some study/work skills in the morning hours. We can keep hoping and praying.

What would you say?

If you had to write a letter to every person who has influenced who you are today, what would you say? Would you only talk about the good memories? Would you lash out at those who caused you pain making you stronger? Would you tell the truth or what you thought they wanted to hear? Would you remember those who thought they were insignificant? Would you apologize to those you hurt? What would guide your words...Happiness? Pain? Pride? Humility? Wisdom? Ignorance? A desire to please? Or, honesty?

What would you say to each person who influenced who you are today?

I'm Swamped

Okay, so I keep promising to write. And, I intend to. As we all know, though, the road to Hell was paved with good intentions. I'm not making any promises. I just wanted to let you know I have no idea what to write about on here right now. However, I do have ideas for my other blog Ever Wonder, so if you'd like, feel free to read there for a while. If and when I figure this blog out again, and my time management, I'll pop over for some posts.

Thank you for your time and patience!

Back to School

I am now in Denver and in my third week of grad school. I don't think I can put into words the rollercoaster of emotions and stresses each day. I can swing from not worried to panicked in about 5 minutes and these can be about readings, classes, exams, money, dinner, the puppies, who knows what. It's just been insane.

Part of my About Me

What seems like a long time ago, I had an awful nickname. While that nickname was only with me for a few years, the way it made me feel summarized my whole childhood in one full swoop. I felt as though I never belonged any where because we moved so often. Even when we didn't move often, the long stays were in small towns that I would never be a 'native.' Unfortunately for those who did accept me for who I was, I always had that underlying nagging of the not belonging.

When I graduated high school I had an opportunity. I was going to a new school in a new state. No one can be "from" the college, so all students are at the same starting block. No one knew my nickname. No one knew my history. I had a clean slate handed to me at a school that didn't have any other students from my hometown. After one year of school my parents moved again. With that I did something I will never fully recover from.

I walked away from my hometown.

Almost a decade later I've begun the process of reestablishing contact with those who meant the most to me in middle and high school. I'm realizing that getting completely wrapped up in the bubble called college I neglected some relationships that didn't deserve to be ignored. I didn't fight with these friends. I didn't even say good bye. I just stopped communicating with all of them. I didn't visit because my parents and sisters were across the country. I just disappeared, and I didn't mind until now.

I hope to keep pursuing these old friends and the friendships we once had. I hope that a hello here and there will instigate further conversations. Maybe we can catch up. Maybe a new relationship will flourish between to the new people we are today. I'm not confident, but I am persistant. I'm also sorry. I wonder if those who meant the most realize that. And, I hope someday they give me a chance to tell them face to face.

Have you neglected a relationship beyond repair? Did you ever work to fix it? Did who you were in the past buy you a second chance today or ruin it?

About Me

"About Me" sections of websites have a tendency to invoke different responses in people. I think it is rare to find an "About Me" section not tainted with arrogance, self-deprecation or filtered, 'politically correct' answers. Too often too much thought is put into the audience and not the subject. Typically, I think writing does the exact opposite, but in the case of the "About Me," it requires focus on self - pure, true, honest, ugly and beautiful all at the same time.

I choose the route of denial and avoidance. I try to not fill them out, or I put something cryptic and challenging forcing responsibility onto the audience instead of myself. If not left blank, they almost always include a "ask me if you want to know more." When in reality, the word more is inaccurate because I probably told them nothing.

In it's most raw form, I think the "About Me" should be a not a sampling of personality traits but a honest and even slice of your life and psyche to the core of who you are. Metaphorically, imagine you as a pie and the piece you choose to share cuts from the edge all the way to the center. How wide the slice is, now that is where you should get to tweak based on your comfort with who you see in the mirror and who you share that with.

I think I'm going to start with my own private "About Me." Something crystal clear and something I can slowly cut away at until I have something thin enough for public viewing without being tainted with what I want people to see, what people want to read, what we all create in our sugar-coated minds lying to ourselves and each other.

How about your "About Me"s? Do you sign up for blogs, social networks, forums and other profiles jotting down who you want to be known as instead of who you are? Does it matter, or do we expect to read white lies and colorful embellishments when reading who a person is?